I just got back from Michigan and now I seem to be losing my mind. The "large" part of my husband's company eliminated the "small" part that my husband worked for. But...... they liked my husband so much they kept him. So now he has a job but no title. He has to apply for internal job positions. None of these jobs are in Alabama. They are all over the place....Dallas,TX, Seattle, WA, Farmington Hills, MI, Charlotte, NC, Cheyene, WY and other places. He then interviews and if he gets whatever job it is the company moves us there. This would not be so bad if I had not already moved twice in the past year and a half. I moved from Michigan to Jacksonville, FL and then from Jacksonville, FL to Helena, Alabama. Now we have to go somewhere else. This really pushes things with the adoption as well. I am waiting to here how this will effect the adoption. I need to hurry up and raise the rest of the money to get things really moving. $3200 is what we have left. We have $4000 and a possible grant for the travel. My husband interviewed for a position in Michigan and we are waiting to here back from them if he got it or not. If I have to leave Bama, Michigan would be my first choice because my entire family is there. But who know what will happen.
The lack of stability is really getting to me lately. I feel like my life is totally out of control......like a huricane and I am losing my grip........I am drowning. I feel SO alone and my there is a constant knot in my stomach making me feel like I have to throw up. And this little pitty party I am having for myself disgusts me. I remind myself very often that I do not have it bad, in fact my life is pretty good compared to other people's lives. My husband thinks I should just stop with saying that and just allow myself to feel the intense grief and sense of loss that is welling up inside me and just "deal with it". I prefer to try to keep my composure and weep on the inside. Please Lord let my daughter gethome.....PLEASE do not let anything happen to delay this adoption. If she dies there because of something I could have done or changed...........because of me......how will I...what will I do?
Pslam 22:11
Do not be far from me,
for trouble is near
and there is no one to help.
Breathe Me-Sia
Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
Please if you can, pray for my daughter Naoimi and if you don't mind a few words for me.
Love Jen
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
Be my friend................
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7 comments:
Oh sweet Jen. I agree with your hubby in that you may need to let yourself grieve. This doesn't have to be a pityparty decline like you are imagining. Just give yourself a day with just you and Jesus and weep before Him your lack of understanding of the pain. Sometimes, it is in feeling our emotions that we realize what we believe down deep and it is there that Jesus can speak TRUTH to our hearts!
May He speak over you the TRUTH of His sovereignty. May He speak over you the TRUTH that HE LOVES YOU unconditionally and does NOTHING that is not for your benefit and His glory. May He wrap you in His arms and gently teach you all that He desires and May you be a willing learner. All the while, May that same big God wrap up our little Naoimi in those very same arms. Lord, protect her body. Grow her miraculously. Protect her heart as well.
May the God of comfort surround you today. I would love to talk to you, call me. 407.619.6169 (I can call you back if you don't have long distance)
You are NOT alone!
Love you,
Brandi
I have to say it too...I agree with Alan. I know that I don't (and probably never will) fully understand the intensity of your emotions right now, but man...you need to feel them full force to get through them. If there's anything else we can do for you, let me know. We love and miss you guys SO much! Paul is preaching this Sunday (Luke and Shana are on vaca) so we hope to see you...
Lynn :)
Praying for you today, I understand the moving around thing. I moved every six months a a child and wanted to create a perfect life for my kids and in the first year of Abbie's life we had moved 3 times! God was teaching me the while time, you are never alone, he is always with you. Allow yourself to greive not doing so only prolongs the "break down" You don't have to fall aprat, but if you do know Jesus will come in a save the day! He knows the plans he has for you and for Naoimi!
Brandi,
Thank you so much for the kind words. They make me feel so much better. I will get through this. I am NEVER alone as the Lord is always near. Being a human is so hard as we always want to know "why" and a lot of times this is not how the Lord works. You are a great friend!
Lynn,
Thank you for the support. We are SO excited that Paul will be preaching! We love you guys!! The thought of being away from Safe Harbor and the people we care so much about is something I do not want to think about at all right now. I just want to enjoy it!!!
Thank you Jess! I cannot imagine moving every six months. This will be my two year olds 4th move from Mi to a FL apt to a FL house to AL and now somewhere else. She does not seem to mind though. I just need to trust in Jesus's plan right now. I usually am a "bright side" person knowing and trusting that the Lord ALWAYS know what is best for us. I need to give all of this back and try to get excited about what God is doing for us.....just a little hard right now.
Again thank you guys. I am suprised I got so emotional in a blog but I guess there was a reason for that as well.....amazing folks who care so much. God bless you guys!!
JN
Oh Jen, this post almost made ME cry. Theres a LOT going on in your life right now and I think you are amazingly strong... but sometimes, the sweetest times with the Lord come when we are able to let go and just be "weak" and let Him be strong.
I want you to know you are REALLY on my heart (even though this post is a few days old and you are probably doing better already)... You aren't alone, even if it seems like it sometimes.
There are MANY, MANY people praying for Naoimi and your family!
With love and hope,
Amber
Thank you Amber! Your response made me cry. Thank you for your support. This has been a hard week. I am up and down. I am looking to the Lord for comfort and I so appreciate the support of those I have met from blogging (You!). I am praying for your family and sweet baby Henry!
Love,
Jen
Hi Jen!
I'm not sure if this job situation has yet worked itself out, but as I read this post, my first thought was of the ginormous Liberian adoptee community in Charlotte, NC. Have you heard of Lisa Terkeurst? She and her group of friends alone have something like 30 adopted liberian kids in 14 families, and most of them I think go to the same church. All of this to say... God might be providing a(nother!) huge miracle for your family through this, wherever you might end up. I am praying for you and look forward to the day that you can see what God has been doing through all of this. I look forward for my day of that too! :)
Love,
Erin
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